The last few days have put much into perspective for me. I think its good that every few years, a person has a reminder of how lucky she is, of all that she has... but at what cost? Luckily for me, the price is little, but the lesson great.

     As I lay here watching the little one sleep, I can't help but think how lucky our family is to still have him with us. He gave us quite the scare the other day when my mom found him bound, hand to feet, laying on the ground. For me, the thieves didn't take anything, as long as they didn't take my brother. As I lay here with my window boarded up, my closet still in shambles, my parents' room a mess... I can't help but wonder, how much can they really get out of everythign they took? Is it really worth the many years they'll rot in prison, not to mention hell, for doing what they did to my brother?

     A part of me, the vindictive side, wishes I was there, with a gun... and I wonder, if I had a gun, would I just shoot him in the leg like I've always intended if someone broke in? Unbeknownst to the rest of my family, and the thieves fortunately, Mr. P keeps a rifle in the closet. If I were at home, would I have pulled it out and aimed straight for the head? I guess you can say I'm angry. Are you kidding? I'm infuriated.

     However, the bigger part is scared, paranoid, not for myself, but for my family's safety. The pops is buying a gun and I want one too... and I'm going to practice it til I know how to use it real well. Til I won't have to use more than one bullet to hit a target. Inside I still wonder though, is it smart? Those who live by the sword will die by the sword. What if my own gun was turned against me?

     It sucks not being able to feel safe in your own home. I can't even stay here without feeling like someone's going to break through another window and assault us again. I wish the parents would listen to their gut instinct and move. Staying here would be the worst tactical move... surrounded all around by warehouses, even if we could escape, there would be nowhere to run, noone to help us. Who are we kidding... we handed the culprit to the police on a silver platter... DNA and all, and still, no leads. It won't be solved, we're not getting our stuff back, but more importantly -- if they think they can get away with it once, they'll try again; next time, we might not be as lucky. Might as well arm ourselves and get ready for war.

2009

Life is hard right now... I think its because I'm on the brink of a transitional phase, and all transitional phases are hard. Been having the blues lately, probably because i'm so confused of what I want out of life that I can't find any direction. I hate being lost. I think its time for a break. Isn't this the time in a school semester when all students crave for that break, that little picker-upper to get them started again?

I need a change...

Change in scenery, change in looks, a new motive for life, something... I need a fresh start because everything is so dull right now. Maybe a new tat, but no money for that. A job? As long as I don't have to work too much, I have so much studying to catch up on. Thank god for xanga... its my only outlet. Thank god no one reads xanga anymore. Oh well, back to reality. That was a nice break.